S2, E6: The Six Human Needs and How They Can Help You Release Some of The Guilt of Motherhood

Written By Leslie Loewe

If you have ever felt unfulfilled on your mothering journey, and then guilt ensued...this episode is for you.

Today I am talking about our Six Human Needs. When I first learned about them, it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. Knowing the human needs allowed me to understand the things that were missing in my everyday SAHM life. It allowed me to see precisely why I was feeling like I needed more....I DID! Human needs are just that...for all humans. It's not the needs of an ungrateful mom, or the needs of the mom who wants too much! This is neither good or bad, it just IS.

The 6 needs are:

  1. Certainty

  2. Uncertainty/Variety

  3. Significance

  4. Connection and Love

  5. Growth

  6. Contribution

To be fulfilled we must consistently meet these six human needs. I don't know about you, but I'm like...all 6? Consistently?...in healthy ways?! So much to dig in and learn here.

All this and more on today's episode of The Motherload.

Resources:

  • Leslie Loewe:

    If you've ever felt unfulfilled on this mothering journey, and then probably felt guilty for feeling that way. Today's episode is for you.

    This episode is going to help you understand why you might have felt that way. And in doing so, release the guilt that came with those feelings.

    I am talking about the six human needs.

    When I learned about these needs, it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. And it provided me a lot of relief that these feelings that I had didn't come from a personal shortcoming. Or because I wanted too much as a woman, or as a mother.

    I felt excited, excited about the ways in which I could make changes or adjustments in my life in order to feel more fulfilled. And to feel that immediately.

    If you're a mom, who wants more from yourself, and for yourself, today's episode is for you.

    Hello, mamas. I'm so excited to talk about the six human needs with you today. I have been thinking for a long time that this is something that I think you'll be like, lightbulb moment from listening to because I know when I heard it for the first time.

    Oh my gosh, it was like a relief. It helped me to understand why I had been feeling the ways in which I had been feeling for so long. In regards to being a mother.

    okay, so six human needs. I learned about these by doing a course with Dr. Sue. So Dr. Sue, is a mentor and will lead you through a Tony Robbins course. So a lot of this information came from Tony Robbins, I'm sure some of you have heard of him, and all the work that he does, but I'm just going to focus in on the six human needs. And I'm going to run you through them so that you can be like, Okay, I get it, I get why I'm doing the things I'm doing and why other people are doing the things they're doing. So let's dive right in the first one of six human needs is certainty. So every human needs a certain amount of certainty. So it's whatever allows you to survive. certainty that you'll have a roof over your head, you can avoid pain and gain pleasure. So how do we get these human needs? How do we access them and fulfill them? There's positive ways to do this and negative ways.

    They call these vehicles. So there's healthy vehicles and not so healthy vehicles. I'm not going to go into that today. I just want to focus on the human needs today. So when you think about certainty,

    you know, how do you get it some people reach for things that make them feel certain that they will feel a certain way, like comfort, for example, people really want to be comfortable, and in order to be certain that they are comfortable, they will reach for food, they will reach for drugs, alcohol cigarettes. As you can see, some of those can be used in neutral ways negative or positive. And they can also all be used in negative ways to achieve certainty.

    Others might really like be a workaholic and like submerge themselves into work. So that there's certain of something whatever it is that they really want to be certain of probably a number of outcomes right like certain that they will have financial success, certain that they will feel good about themselves certain that they can provide a number of things.

    Other people to obtain certainty. And I know we all know them and maybe we are them. Try to control everything. So in order to be certain have lots of different outcomes and feelings and circumstances and many things, people will try to control what's going on. And again, I think that can be used in a positive way, in a neutral way. And then also in a negative way for sure.

    The second human need, which is interesting, because similar to many things in motherhood, they are two things that are on the exact like opposite extreme of the spectrum. So if you have certainty on one side, the second human need on the other side is uncertainty. And like variety, so if you have too much certainty, then everything is predictable, right? And you're probably bored. So you're going to try and do some things to balance those two sides out and achieve some uncertainty and some variety in your life. And everyone needs these things. So as we go through these human needs, remember, they're not bad or good, right? They just are. So in order for people to achieve uncertainty, or variety, I think some of the vehicles or ways in which they do that is through surprises, you know, challenging yourself to do a number of different things, right? You see people do lots of Marathon races, and even so much just like the way we work out at like orange theory, whatever, sometimes going new places, trying new things, that is going to allow you some variety and some uncertainty, what am I going to run into? What am I going to find? How well am I going to do when I'm training for this race or at the race. So there is a delicate balance between these two things of certainty and variety slash uncertainty.

    The next human need is significance, we all need to feel significant, right? We all need uniqueness in some way, we have to know and we all desire for our lives to have like a special purpose, special meaning. And this is just the idea of being seen and heard and having needs. So again, first thing I want to say, again, these are not bad or good they just are. So I think a lot of times significance shows up in ways that people are like, ah, you know, that person shouldn't be, you know, obviously, the bragging or boastful, probably leans more towards the negative way to achieve significance.

    But also, there's a certain amount inside of each one of us that trying to achieve significance is normal and not bad. So trying to stand out. And, and, you know, having a desire to be seen and heard is not bad. Right? I'm working on that. I'm working on that a lot with this work that I'm doing, allowing myself because it is a desire inside of me to speak and connect and share, share stories and potential resources and help for women, I oftentimes push up against the voice in my head saying, you know, to be small or to not be heard, or, you know, I'm very fearful of something being like all about me, like, I think I'm awesome. And so that's a way in which I limit myself in the significance realm. And I'm working on allowing the fact that as a human, we all have a need for significance. So that's just an example for me. Again, there are positive ways to achieve this and negative ways. So negative ways that I think we often see is, hopefully not too often, that we surround ourselves with people like this, but you will see people who manufacture the belief that they are better than everyone else, and that makes them feel significant. I see this a lot on social media and in life and as it relates to motherhood, that the belief that you're doing

    In something the right way, and you just really stick with that, this is one way to do it. And it's the right way to do it. And I believe that that is for women, mothers to feel significant, like they're doing, they're doing the right thing. And so in doing that, they sometimes poopoo people who are not on their wavelength.

    So those are sometimes like negative ways. Oh, another one is like developing an extreme problem. I know, we've all talked to people who sometimes jump on that bandwagon. And just, you know, that's all they talk about. Or maybe it's an extreme health problem. But that at the end of the day is to be seen, be heard be unique in some way, whether it's positive or negative, that's probably what they're going for.

    So positive ways to achieve significance would look more like someone living an extraordinary life of service, or like a neutral or positive way, I think, would be like self expression, and being unique in the way you dress or the way you act.

    So again, this leads us to our next human need. And it's interesting that if you have too much, so in order to be significant, you have to stand out right and to stand out means that you are separating yourself from other people. So the other side of significance on that scale that, you know, we're always trying to balance. So the separation and being one of a kind, or standing out for for some reason with your significance is also that other side of connection and love. So we all need to feel unique and somewhat separate ourselves from others. But if we're two separate, and we're two different than, we're probably not going to feel that other side of the scale as much as we need to with the connection, and the love.

    So, you know, all humans have the need to feel connected, connected to their self, and connected to others.

    This is one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about the mother lode platform and sharing stories with one another is because immediately you can receive or give or both connection and love. And that is such a huge driving force for each one of us as human beings. And we know that motherhood is pretty isolating at times. And so I feel that connection and love through motherhood is it's a very important time to have access to that for many reasons.

    So yeah, people can achieve connection and love through a variety of things. As you can imagine, maybe positive examples of that are like, you know, groups with a positive purpose. A lot of times that can be religion, people are aligning with their Creator.

    We're any type of group a philanthropic group that is doing good. And then there is negative ways and that is groups of a different kind, which I'm sure we can think of those and like gangs, you know, we I remember learning that when I was young, but like, oh my gosh, people join gangs or cults or, you know, things of that nature because they simply want connection and love and that sense of belonging.

    Some people will like steal, take drugs, even drink excessive amounts to feel connected. And I think this probably can strike a chord within all of us, myself included, that, you know, being a part of a group that's out partying and drinking and having fun, feels like love and connection, right? And if you decide that drinking is not good for you anymore, and doesn't, you know, bring any benefits to your life. This I think, is something one of the big struggles is that all of a sudden you're not connected to that group. And, you know, you're not feeling the love from those people. Or you're worried that you know, all of a sudden that whole connection will be gone and you won't feel the

    Love. So I think that's a really big part societally, and in our culture of what bringing, I'm sorry, what drinking brings, and provides us, that's like one of the benefits of it. And it's scary to think of putting yourself on set on the other side of, you know, not receiving that.

    Some people perform like extraordinary at extraordinary levels to feel connected or accepted to like a certain group. So, the last, okay, so let me see that was connection and love. Oh, and I wanted to read you.

    I'm gonna read you a quote, here coming up. Because the next two human needs that we're talking about our what is called primary needs. So let me go back, the first four that we talked about, I'm going to, I'm going to go over them again, just so I can remember myself is one certainty, to uncertainty slash variety, three significance, and for connection, and love. So those are what they call the fundamental needs. And then after the fundamental needs, come the next two, which are the primary needs, and those are growth.

    And growth is just life, right?

    We are either growing, or we're dying. And so we have to meet this human need of growth in order to feel totally fulfilled as a person. And here's the quote, that I wanted to reach you about growth.

    It doesn't matter how much money you have, how many people acknowledge you, or what you have achieved, unless you feel like you're growing, you will be unhappy, and unfulfilled. And this just makes me think of like celebrities, or the rich and famous, for example, because some people look at them as like, oh my gosh, they have everything anyone could ever want or need, except that they're unhappy. And they're unfulfilled.

    One of the reasons is probably, I'm sure there are many. But growth is one of them, you you have to be working towards something, right, you have to be growing your mind, your body, your spirituality, so many different things. So I love that idea of like, it really makes me think of like getting my priorities in line, right? That it doesn't matter.

    The money you have, or you know, the acknowledgement you have of the external world, and what kind of achievements you have, like growth is something that we have to figure out and prioritize for ourselves to be happy and fulfill.

    The sixth human need, the last one is contribution. And it is the idea, you know, all of us desire, I believe, to a certain extent, that's the other thing to mention. All of these are like on a scale. So if you imagine a dial I love to imagine a dial with things.

    For some people, some of them are dialed up way more than others. So they have much bigger need for one of these six human needs than other people do. So contribution back to that everyone has the need to contribute the need to go beyond themselves and live a life that serves a greater good.

    And when we do this, when we can find our way to contribute in the you know the amount of need that we have in order to feel fulfilled.

    That is how we can actually experience joy and fulfillment in life.

    So those those last two primary needs of goat growth and contribution are both essential to feeling joy and fulfillment.

    And then a quote that I wanted to read to about contribution because I think this is also so important for mamas is that contributing not only to others, but also ourselves is a meaningful action for we cannot give to others what we do not have. And that just is so true and good and important for mamas to remember. It's that whole like, you can't pour from an empty cup. You know, you're you cannot contribute the way that you want to that's going to feel fulfilling to the receiver and yourself if you aren't also contributing to yourself and your own leads. So I love that as a reminder.

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    So the six human needs are and again, they are different for everyone in regards to how much or how little of each one that you need in your life. So this looks different for everyone, of course, as it should, which is so cool.

    The first human need is certainty. Second one uncertainty variety. Third is significance. Fourth, connection and love. And the last two, which are the primary needs are growth and contribution.

    So, I mean, doesn't this just explain so much to you about yourself and your actions? And oh my gosh, when I heard this, it was just it was like a light bulb moment for me.

    Especially in regards to my pain points. So one of my biggest pain points has been this love of being a mother and my children and this all important job and wanting to do like this being the pinnacle of my life's calling, and also not feeling fulfilled by it and wondering what the heck is going on here? How can I love and desire something so much? And yet feel like there's got to be something else because this just isn't cutting it in regards to my overall joy and happiness and fulfillment, whatever words you want to call it. And when I heard these, it was like a light bulb moment for me. Like, this is not a shortcoming of me this is I'm not a bad person for feeling this way. My human needs are not being met.

    or not being met in the volume, if you will, on that dial that I need them to be met at. So it relieved a lot of guilt for me that these are human needs, okay, and I am not a bad person for having them, or having some of them be stronger or weaker than others.

    It it also, it also allowed me to understand everyone else on such a deeper level, you know how sometimes you'll watch someone do something, or even be passionate about something or die on some certain Hill and you're like, oh, my gosh, like, what, what, why, you know, you just don't get it.

    This helped me to understand that even more, you know, we're all working to achieve and experience these human needs, in different ways, and on different levels. And, you know, anything that allows me to understand myself, and my children, and the world around me in a better, more like, having more ease kind of way.

    I'm all for it. So

    I hope that this is just a moment for you to be like, Wow, okay. Okay, I get it, I get it, whatever it is, you know, I just I get it, I'm understanding something about myself more, I'm understanding something about a situation in my life, or someone else in my life more. And I would challenge you to maybe make a list of the ways in which you are achieving these human needs. So how are you going about achieving certainty in your life? How are you going about experiencing variety? And uncertainty?

    what ways do you feel significance?

    What, you know, what, what means? Are you seeking out feeling seen and heard?

    And as you go through this list, ask yourself as well, what are the negative ways that I'm going about trying to achieve these human needs? What are ways in which I'm trying to achieve them that are impacting myself, my life, my health, or someone around me in a negative way? And like, Okay, I think you can get really honest with yourself with this exercise and very clear on what could be leading to some of your, as Dr. Sue calls it dis ease, or pain. So, dive in, make that list, make that list in the ways that are helping you and supporting you and in ways that maybe are not. And then also, as you go through this list, if if you can't find anything, to put under the the human need of like growth, which was one of the things that was difficult for me.

    When I was I'm still in the trenches of motherhood, but the deep trenches of like really young kids was I realized now that a lot of my discomfort and pain and frustration came from the fact that I wasn't stimulating my mind enough.

    I wasn't growing and learning in the, in the capacity that I needed in order to feel well and fulfilled on any given day. My brain needed more like growth stimulation. I also know that I struggled with significance. I felt insignificant in a lot of ways which is interesting because we are doing the most important job in the world. And if you asked me if I thought the job was significant, I truly believe it is the most

    but I didn't feel seen and I didn't feel heard and I wasn't meeting a lot of my needs.

    Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Leslie Loewe
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S2, E7: Truth be told, I hate when people ask me “What do you do?”
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S2, E5: Firefighter Momma analogy with host Leslie loewe, interviewed by Dr. Sue McCreadie